two months gone: not recorded, only lived

it came and went to fast to hold onto. and now I feel somewhat slow and out of place as everyone is reverting to school mode and I am still trying to remember how to live and be and grow.

burning incense and watching the lava lamp.

got high speed internet and cheap-as-free long distance.

today, started taking action to a plot that started a few weeks ago: church planning a mission trip to Haiti - fundraiser ideas? trying to be the Body of Christ in action means having the support of the Body, not just our little congregation, as great as we are - How many Churches in Shelton? (trick question: 1 Church, One Body, One Big God) : Susan and I delivered letters printed on scrolls to ten congregations in the area, giving some information of our intention to use our mission to Haiti as a way to reach Shelton through uniting the Body of Christ for mutual support and encouragement for this and other ministries; there's probably about ten more to visit tomorrow.  the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

I realize that although I have a job, i'm really not in it for the money: I just like seeing the people of my town, and sometimes I even remember to pray for people as I'm taking their orders or bringing them their foods. 

listening to various Jack Johnson songs on youtube

still learning to take life a day at a time, some days are easier.  I would rather walk forty minutes to get to work than drive for eight, but noon is sometimes to early in the morning. I'm working on memorizing the book of Luke so each forty minutes of walk can cement about twenty verses to my brain. I also pass four schools on the trip and walking provides a better chance to pray that a frenzied drive-by prayer.

I still have no tact.

unfortunately, I know this so I remain silent too often, which might be perceived as tact, but probably more closely resembles cowardice.

I realized I'm not afraid of spiders at all.

words and ideas pass through my head at remarkable speeds and once again profundity is lost to scrambled brain and need for sleep.

goodnight.

Currently Reading Pascal's Wager: The Man Who Played Dice with God By James A. Connor see related

my thoughts: random as my life

today while visiting my G-mom in the nursing home I met a lady who went to Prairie in 1939.  crazy how Prairie is everywhere.

music can bring back such a flood of memories and emotions, it amazes me the interconnectedness of creativity, how the arts can speak to us and epitomize our lives, allowing us to express ourselves more creatively.

there is no repetition ~ Kierkegaard

it is not good for us to have to much freedom and liberty ~ Pascal

do we really want what we desire and search for? wouldn't finding and possessing everything we wanted suck, because we wouldn't have anything to strive for? what does want feel like?

isn't it good that we are on the chain of command above slugs? ~ Hana

why do we like pretend life so much? what can we learn from this and what do we not want to learn from this?

it's amazing how far a pot of uncaffienated tea can take me into the night.

some things in life are like a jack-in-the-box: whenever you try to put a lid on them, its only a matter of time before they're just going to pop out again, upsetting the life you thought you had without them and presenting themselves as more ominous than ever.  but aren't the surprises what make life worth living?

I always find myself giving the best advice to myself through attempts to give advice to others.  lesson: I need to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.

I wondered the other day if I was better at Jeopardy now that I've graduated from college. Answer: Norway doorway. (Scandinavian entrance)

that reminds me of Theatre History Jeopardy: good times, good cookies.

things not to find in the washing machine after running it: a paycheck, a usb drive containing most of college, a favorite pen/marker, someone else's garments. feel free to add to this list.

I would rather be able to fly than be able to turn invisible, but I think I usually act contrariwise.

why do I always have trouble sleeping or doing work when I need to do one or the other; I always need a third option, so I can choose that.  Sometimes happy mediums are neither happy nor medium;

there must be either/or ~ Kierkegaard

there must be choices and sacrifices; compromises are also inevitable.

right now I see my life from the dot on the bottom of the question mark: I have yet to begin the winding road of the unknown, but it's just a prayer and a leap away.

are Christians masochists? should we be? what do we understand of suffering? in Philippians 3:10 Paul says that he wants to suffer; am I willing to not only suffer, but to want to suffer, for Jesus?

if minimum wage has taught me anything: money does not equal life.

I look forward to the promise of a new day that comes with the dawn, yet I still cling to the events of the day, afraid I'll wake and they'll just be a dream.

with this in mind, I commit the events and thoughts of this day and every day, behind and before, to my Savior and the Author of the one true story, of which my life is but a small entry.

Currently Listening Illinois By Sufjan Stevens chicago see related

growing up?

so I was getting ready to audition for "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor dream coat", I'd dusted off and practiced a song from my repitiore ("someone like you" from Jekyll and Hyde), I drove there on my own after dropping off the 16 year old I'm mommy-ing for the next three days, and I began filling out the latest of countless audition forms.

I was so excited when I realized that for the first time since ever I wouldn't fill in the "occupation" line with  "student" but with the grown up title of "waitress."

I glanced over the tentative rehearsal schedule: "that day will be a problem, I'll be at camp...oh yeah, and these are definitely board meetings... and all my Wednesday nights are pretty well full of church stuffs... oh dear!"

I sat there, staring blankly at the single piece of paper that stood between a compulsive "I-want-it" decision and an understanding that a single schedule can only balance so many things before something falls or someone gets squished...

my thought processes were interrupted as the door opened and, as there was not a particularly long line of auditioners (ok, I was the only one there at the time), a strange yet cheerful man popped out his head and asked if I was there to audition. I said I wasn't ready yet. He smiled and said to take my time.

I contemplated calling home to talk to my mom, and even went on a short walk about looking for a pay phone to meet this end.  while walking I realized a few things:
1. my mom is not the ultimate authority of my time and hasn't been for a while.
2. I haven't had this kind of wariness towards auditioning for anything for a very long time.
3. auditions were only necessary for lead roles, anyone could be in the chorus: I was planning to audition, but if I didn't land a lead had in the back of my mind that it wasn't worth my time.  I don't remember every really having this kind of thoughts about the size of roles or the value of my time.  If I was planning to audition in order to perform in the final work for the Audience of One, it really didn't matter if I had more than half the lines in the show or none at all and was just supposed to stand there and smile.
4. pride is dangerous.
5. I'm going to have a great summer.

in short, I am learning to say "no."

that is all I have to say for now because I need to finish putting together a Sunday School lesson for tomorrow ( oh why did I tell them there would be boccie ball?!), so I'm going to say "no" to the allure of the internet, especially the vastness of music on youtube.

goodnight

looking back, who we've become, where we're going

simple advice

Naming the elephant is the first step to eating the elephant.

Do you know how to eat an elephant? one bite at a time!

Comparisons and expectations can make good and wonderful things miserable and ruined.

Always have an emergency roll of TP, for emergencies.